Oh Ye Of Little Faith

I have to admit, Friday October 7th was a day of little faith.  On this day I had convinced myself that we would soon be living on the streets, we would soon have no money for a cell phone, a day that I convinced myself that we needed to sell my car to get out from under the car payment (yes I tend to catastrophize), it was a day of pure panic- a day of little faith!  October 7th was the day we unexpectedly found out we were pregnant with baby number two- what?  This was not planned, this was not expected, we had a few financial goals we wanted to meet before we should think about trying for another baby- what? how could this be?  It would surely be months before we even tried, months before I got a positive pregnancy test and I would atleast be prepared or expecting it.  I was still able to conjure up enough sense, sanity, and calmness that afternoon to write a letter to my husband from Braxton that said "Daddy, I am going to be a big Brother.  Love, Braxton" but as he opened it I sat on the floor and cried (literally).  I was not crying about the fact that I was pregnant, who would cry about such a blessing?  But I was literally crying because I had no idea how we would afford or fit another baby into our budget--we hadn't met our two goals we wanted to.  I am pretty sure that about 5 minutes after my husband got home I was already on the computer emailing our financial advisor letting him know that we needed to meet with him ASAP!  That weekend, I was in a dark place, I didn't talk to many people- no friends, no family, nobody.  I was scared, really scared-Oh ye of little faith.  We met with our financial advisor that Wednesday and I sat in his office and cried and sobbed-how embarassing! 

Through all of my panic I had lost sight, literally lost my sanity, and lost my faith.  I was in such a dark place of panic that I had forgotten about all of the other times that I had felt this exact same way and He has always been there to prove me wrong, always!

My heart has been extremely heavy this week and I truly think it is because I feel guilty for losing my faith.  We are blessed beyond measure and there was no need to panic, no need for irrational thoughts--we were not going to "end up on the streets" (oh how silly I feel but I am only human, right?) and there is still no need to panic. All of the "situations" that I conjured up in my panicing mind were really no "situation" at all-I was of little faith.
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:30-33
I know in my heart there is a reason and a lesson to all of this.  A lesson to teach me to lean on Him in my times of panic, a lesson to not lose faith.